Coaching a Perfectionist Forward
Your team’s current project has all the earmarks of a winner and there’s every reason to believe it will be well received by the powers-that-be. But the night before the big presentation your Project Manager proposes more changes to the way the data set is presented. “With just a few tweaks, we can take it from good to great!” You are always up for a move from good to great, but this is an unnecessary request sure to cause a really late night for your already exhausted team. This story is solid and you know that reworking the pitch one more time will be a waste of energy with limited ROI. You sense that the catalyst for this request is a Project Manager stuck in the paralysis of perfectionism (and not for the first time). As a recovering perfectionist yourself, you know that perfect is the enemy of good, contributes to burnout, and messes with self-confidence. This is not the culture you want for your organization. You need to encourage this Perfectionist to become an Excellentist with all the judgement needed to except when a completed task is “good enough.” This powerful (but not perfect!) pivot invites your team members to aim high yet realize when over-performing becomes wasted effort.
You know you need to stop the tweaking and address the perfectionism causing the churn. That said, you anticipate push-back and defensiveness (a hallmark of perfectionists everywhere) and opt to say nothing. Allowing these perfectionistic tendencies to fester will undoubtedly cause more harm than good. Team morale could plummet from the relentless grind and elusive finish line; not to mention the diminishing returns from an extra investment of time and energy. Quality is also at risk from touching this content thrice. While tempting, if you say nothing, you will face more than just droopy eyes at the 8am staff meeting (from those who poured over font, colors, and slide structure the night before.) You will still have a Team Lead with an incurable case of pour judgment and wasted effort.
Given that most perfectionists struggle with self-doubt and anxiety, learning what not to say is a necessary leadership maneuver for avoiding the mental menace of inadequacy. Case in point:
“You’re over-scrutinizing and under-delivering. It’s fine as is!” There’s not a harsh word you could toss at a perfectionist that they haven’t already said to themselves. Self-criticism is second nature for many perfectionists. Strive to avoid language that focuses on flaws or perceived failures.
“These delays are costing us money. Let’s do this before we lose the opportunity all together.” Well done. Now the perfectionist can add “financial burden” to their never-ending list of things to worry about. While stating a reality, this comment lacks reassurance and potentially instills even more fear.
"More changes??? We're all losing our minds over here while you obsess over making this content flawless. Ease up on the perfection and let’s deliver this presentation.” Shaming them for having high standards dismisses their strengths and doesn’t attempt to understand what’s driving this perfectionism.
Before we say the Better Thing, let’s gather up our perfectionists and offer them a moment of appreciation. Perfectionists carry a heavy weight and it’s rarely in the name of self-promotion. Perfectionists are driven by an overwhelming desire to contribute quality work and excel beyond expectation. What oftentimes blocks the path to success is their inner critic or fear of failure. Fortunately, you’re in a unique position to provide a healthier and happier alternative for your staff as they learn to distinguish between perfectionism and excellentism. This mindset shift requires some reassurance… a dose of cause and effect …followed by deeper reflection.
Inspire confidence
“Remember, our aim is excellence, not perfection. We need to trust in the quality of our work and present it proudly.” This helps shift the focus from perfectionism to a high standard of work that is still achievable without needless editing.
“This work is impactful and more than meets the project’s goals. Let’s focus on confidently delivering this high-quality product.” This comment reassures the team member that the project’s current state is more than sufficient. No changes necessary.
“This is a major project with audacious goals and demanding expectations. Expectations were lofty, and you have proven that they weren’t impossible. Congratulations! Let’s show them what we’ve got.” Acknowledging the project demands while supplying some praise clears the space for risk taking, innovation, and growth.
Communicate the impact
“Sometimes, you need to do just enough to prove that you can do it. Anything beyond that is simply wasteful.” [credit to my first manager Dr. Rick Huber for this valuable lesson!]
"You've set an incredibly high bar, and the team has really risen to the occasion. But the potential cost of pushing for perfection - burnout, delays, lack of work/life balance - isn't sustainable.”
“‘Perfect is the enemy of done’, as they say, and your need to keep refining could derail our goals.”
“I've noticed that you put quite a bit of pressure on yourself to make everything perfect. This has left you stressed and overwhelmed. For example…”
Ask good questions: Inviting self-reflection will allow you to name and reframe any unrealistic expectations or self-deprecation.
"What would be the worst-case scenario if we moved forward with the project as it is now?"
“What does 'done' look like to you for this project, and how will you know when you've achieved it? Is that a realistic expectation? Why?”
“Does this work meet the objective given to you/us? What would [name of leader] think about this submission?”
"What has pursuing perfection cost you?"
"What would you do with the extra time you would have if you stopped here?"
The Final Word
To navigate the terrain of perfectionism, harness your team’s strengths, re-frame expectations with the energy of excellentism, add address self-defeating language whenever it surfaces. Commit to supporting your perfectionists as they learn to reject the unattainable in favor of achieving their best…even if it’s not perfect.
“When you are a perfectionist, you are a bystander in your life because you are outsourcing your intuition and decision-making to those around you. Perfectionism is controlling your life instead of you.”
Vitale Buford Hardin, CEO, The Hardin Group; author, Addicted to Perfect; A Journey Out of the Grips of Adderall
“Toxic perfectionism is like driving a car with your foot stomped on the accelerator and the brake simultaneously. Ironically, by avoiding mistakes at any cost, a toxic perfectionist makes it impossible to reach their lofty goals. It's a willingness to try and fail which delivers high performance, not a desire for constant perfection.”
Greg Orme, author, The Human Edge; contributing writer, Forbes
“Everybody is a perfectionist to some degree. It’s when it becomes an obsession that it’s a problem.”
Robert S. Kaplan, partner & vice chair, Goldman Sachs, author What to Ask the Person in the Mirror: Critical Questions for Becoming a More Effective Leader and Reaching Your Potential
Don’t stop now! Learn more from a few of our personal favs below:
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