Curbing Invasive Curiosity with Grace
It can happen anywhere and without warning. It can happen in a staff meeting or while you’re casually waiting in line for a morning snack. It can show up in an email or as you’re entering an important meeting. Cue the mildly menacing music because you’re about to be asked a wildly invasive personal question. From, “Awww, I didn’t know you were expecting. When are you due?” to “How much was your pay increase? I only got .00025% and that seemed a bit light.” Sometimes the unprofessional probing doesn’t come in the form of a question, but as an observation that’s just begging for some intel: “You’ve been missing a lot of work lately [said in a judgy kind of way]. Is something going on at home?” or “You and Monica from Accounting seem to be spending a lot of time at the copier. Anything you want to share?” For this boundary-defying colleague, all questions are fair game. However, if it raises the hairs on the back of your neck, then it’s probably crossing an all too pervious threshold. Rest assured there’s an immediate way to reclaim your privacy and it begins with establishing a boundary built with all the right words.
These incursions into your private life might initially land as a mild annoyance but let’s be very clear - this is the type of behavior that will escalate quickly if you don’t get clear and specific with your boundaries. We might never know why this colleague feels entitled to ask THAT question. The why isn’t important here. However, the what you say to reclaim your personal space is, and silence will only keep the questions coming.
With a flush of irritation, a smattering of shock, and perhaps a rash of rage, you turn on your heel and declare loudly enough for anyone within ear shot to hear, “Were you raised by wolves? Who asks questions like that?” or “Ya know, if there were an award for the Nosiest Coworker….!” Reacting with snark or anger can create tension and result in a fractured relationship. The other and equally obvious problem is that you didn’t establish a boundary. You established an insult, but your personal life is no more protected than it was three minutes ago. Sadly, this outburst has unwittingly lessened your privacy as you are now the subject of water cooler chatter. Another tempting tactic is to complain about your colleague’s behavior. You might yearn for a good venting session, but talking about your colleague instead of to them keeps both of you in an unproductive loop. Fortunately, there is both an effective and long-term solution.
Keep in mind, that not everyone has ill-intent with their intrusive question. They simply might not realize that topics they are perfectly comfortable discussing with others are taboo for you. Whether the invasiveness is about the size of your family, your current income, or a humiliating assumption, there’s a way to maintain your composure and protect your privacy. Steady yourself, scoop up some zen, and lead with a boundary-building response:
[Pregnancy assumption] “Actually no, I’m not pregnant. Be careful there, assumptions about bodies can lead to uncomfortable conversations… like this one.”
[Pay] “C’mon now, you know that no good will come us discussing our pay with each other. If you have a concern, speak with your manager or Ken in HR.”
[Catchall responses] “Interesting question, Joe, but it’s not one that I’m willing to answer.” Or “Aww, sounds like you are worried about me. Thanks for your concern.”
If the colleague persists, redirect the discussion by explaining, “Joanne, this question seems to cross the line from innocently curious to overtly nosy. Please respect my privacy and refrain from asking me that again.” This response is direct, addresses the invasiveness, and establishes a reasonable boundary for you. Remember, you teach people how to treat you!
If you are that co-worker who treats deep questions at the office as an impromptu team builder (…an assumed safer alternative to Trust Falls in the cafe) be mindful that not everyone might want to be as open as you. When in doubt ask “Please let me know if you aren’t comfortable discussing this but I have noticed…” If your coworker declines to engage you, thank them for their honesty. Persistence can be damaging to your reputation and to your productivity. It might signal to others that you are unable to read a room, set boundaries of your own, or handle delicate situations in a mature and professional way. Leave your invasive curiosity at the door and lean into discretion and good judgment. You might be surprised at how people start to open up to you when they can trust that their privacy will be respected.
“When people attempt to butt into your personal life and you’d rather not talk about it, there are a few ways you can respond. First, there’s the polite deflection. For example, in response to a demand for information about your relative’s medical condition, you could say: “Oh, my mom is hanging in there, thanks for asking. Actually, I wanted to ask you about the plans for the product launch … ” Or: “It’s pretty complicated — I don’t want to get into the details, but she’s getting good care. Hey, while I’ve got you, can we go over talking points for Friday’s presentation?”
Alison Green, work advice columnist, Ask a Boss; author, Ask a Manager: How to Navigate Clueless Colleagues, Lunch-Stealing Bosses, and the Rest of Your Life at Work
“One of my helpful mantras is “Mind my own business.” I remind myself I don’t know the whole story. It’s very easy to assume that I understand a situation and to form a judgment when in fact, I understand almost nothing about what’s happening.”
Gretchen Rubin, author, The Happiness Project; host, Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast
“When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don’t wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off. Many survivors are used to the “wait and see” tactic which only leaves them vulnerable to a second attack. As your boundaries get stronger, the wait time gets shorter. You never have to justify your intuition.”
Shahida Arabi, author, The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing With Toxic People and Narcissists
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