Helping Negative Coworkers “Flip their Script”
Most days, you and a coworker arrive to work at the same time, journey through the parking lot and up the elevator (or flights of stairs if you’re healthy like that) to your respective desks. Recently you’ve started to count more negative comments shared by your coworker than steps taken. Your morning routine has become a “walk of woe” and not how you want to start each of the 4,856 work mornings that remain until you retire. You work closely with this colleague on client projects where you are exposed to more of the same. You’ve tried being their cheerleader, counselor, and devil’s advocate but to no avail. You want to be supportive, but not at the risk of enabling all the woe. What’s a relatively happy person to do in the company of a Chronic Complainer?
As the wise philosopher, Dr. Phil, has stated, “You teach people how to treat you.” Yep. You might think your coworker just needs to vent and that you’re doing good by letting them. Your silence, however, confirms that misery loves company and you, my friend, are their chosen company. Based on your daily morning journey, one might assume that you have earned the right to give this human feedback on their bad vibe, but if you haven’t established a trusted or respectful relationship, you might decide it’s better to pick a new arrival time, parking spot, and path to your cubical and leave it at that. Protect yourself, set a boundary, and stick to it. If you regularly interact with this person beyond the parking lot, this action might not be the better choice.
In a moment of exasperation, you address them as Eeyore (the sad soul of Winnie the Pooh fame) and exclaim, “I can’t deal with this daily dose of dread!” Or maybe you’re able to avoid the name calling but you resort to “Your negativity is out of control. I need a break. Find someone else willing to put up with your misery.” Those comments are probably more mean-spirited than you intend and now you will be miserable for how you addressed someone else’s displays of misery [sigh]. A negative or charged response reveals a double standard. This is an opportunity to model an alternative, but it needs to be offered with a neutral tone.
If a good relationship has been established, you are in this person’s company often, and/or you want to help this human become more self-aware, the next bit is for you.
If your co-worker is stuck in a negative loop, you might bring about more self-awareness with statements such as, “I can hear your frustration. You’ve mentioned this issue multiple times this week. What are your plans to resolve it?” or “Lately I’ve noticed a change in your word choice. I’m hearing more consistent negativity, and I’m wondering if you realize how you come across to me/others? If you’re up for talking through a few alternatives, I’m willing to offer a couple thoughts.” Both approaches invite your colleague into conversation and encourage problem solving.
Final Word:
Avoiding the person only moves the bad behavior from the parking lot to the conference room an hour later. Once the problem is identified, the focus can be returned to where it belongs, on successful collaboration.
“Negative people often gravitate toward others who react strongly–people who easily offer compassion or get outraged or offended. I suspect this gives them a little light in the darkness of their inner world–a sense that they’re not floating alone in their own anger or sadness. People remember and learn from what you do more than what you say. If you feed into the situation with emotions, you’ll teach them they can depend on you for a reaction.”
Lori Deschene, Founder of Tiny Buddha, author, Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal
“Don’t blame, assume, or attack them. Telling people they should ‘stop being so negative’ usually doesn’t go well. Show this person the compassion and empathy you want them to show you. Just don’t let them walk all over you.”
Catherine Beard, creator of The Blissful Mind
“Positivity within your team starts with you. Take a good hard look at your own behavior. Are you prone to be skeptical of team members’ input and ideas? Do you show frustration at the larger bureaucracy? Do you make knee-jerk negative comments from time to time?
If you find yourself being negative, then you are likely setting a poor model of behavior for the rest of your team. If the boss likes to complain, it’s a green light for everyone else to do the same.”
Kristi Hedges, author, The Inspiration Code, The Power of Presence
Don’t stop now! Learn more from a few of our personal favs below:
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