The Art of a Meaningful Conversation
Have you ever had a peer who absolutely knew how to push your buttons or one who seemed to sneak or slither through the office (your imagery, not theirs)? Perhaps you have worked with a peer who was simply not “your people” (insincere style, meek approach, overly ambitious, threatened by your talents, off-the-charts ego, etc.) To add salt to that work-day wound, you can’t get your work done without their engagement. Can I get an AMEN if you have been in the presence of one (or more) such peer(s)? I bet it was equal parts frustrating, exhausting, and unproductive. We have all been WITH such peers and admit it, we might have BEEN that peer to others.
Consider this… some peer relationships are considered “Critical Relationships”…meaning significant, important, interdependent, or of high value. They are relationships that must work because of what’s at stake. Let’s study this concept by examining a different type of critical relationship. Two once-married-now-divorced-adults-with-children are also in a Critical Relationship. Their ability to communicate, make sound decisions, handle crises, and agree on the philosophies, priorities, investments, and conditions by which they raise those children is paramount (and would determine whether those kiddos become healthy, high-functioning adults in the long run.) Here are a few other examples to consider: employee to manager, CEO to Board Chair, sales rep to key client, computer technician to person with a non-functioning computer. Oy!
If your productivity or your team’s productivity is impacted because you spend more time working around, rather than with that peer it might be time to find a few choice WORDS for them.
As Glenda the Good Witch stated to the Wicked Witch of the West “You have no power here.” Usually, peers hold equal power. Thus, Position Power (power over others) is not at play. If the relationship is less than healthy, Personal Power (power with others) is null and void as well. They don’t trust you and you want to put a hex on them. You could continue to avoid them, work around them, speak for them, conveniently forget to invite them, or speak ill of them to others, but you know that won’t get this Critical Relationship back on track. Company productivity, your looming project deadline, and your personal reputation is on line with this one. If the relationship is truly a critical one, WORDS are needed sooner rather than later.
When bad blood impacts productivity, the less skilled might be inclined to get their manager involved. Slow your roll, Joe. If you didn’t try to resolve the concern yourself, your manager’s response should be “no can do.” Escalating before you try to resolve this on your own shows a lack of skill and maturity on your part. It’s the corporate equivalent of “telling Mom.” Time to put your Big Girl (or Boy) Pants on and invite this colleague out for a cup of coffee and a meaningful conversation.
Carefully plan this dialogue. You are welcome to download our “Meaningful Conversations” planner to get you started. Get straight on your intention: to be heard, to listen, to state the issues, to understand the full impact of those issues, etc. Find a neutral place to meet and practice your opening line. Here’s a script to get you started:
“Hey Maurizio, I’ve been thinking about our work on this project and wondered if we might explore a few ways to evolve the way we work together. Can I treat you to a cappuccino on Tuesday at 8?”
In addition to your 40oz latte, be sure to come with a few bulleted speaking points. Here are a few:
“I'm not sure why, but somehow we seem to have lost our way. You and your team are important to me and my team. The only way this project will work is if this relationship works. That wedge seems to be impacting our teams’ too. Neither of us wants that. I wonder if we could start over.”
“I would like to learn more about what you need or expect from me and would be happy to share the same with you. I learned about a simple technique that might work. Let’s each jot down 3 expectations we have of each other, exchange lists, and discuss how we might be able to meet those expectations.”
“I know this won’t be solved overnight, but this morning seemed like a good start. Building trust takes time. To keep our momentum, would you like to meet every other week for 30 minutes? I would like to keep you in the loop on what we’re working on and get your thoughts on a few things too.”
“I’d like you to speak at my upcoming team meeting. It’s important that we show a united front and that they hear about your vision, challenges, and approaches to this project too.”
Final Word:
This is a Life Skill, people, one many of us wish we would have learned well before we needed it. If you have aspirations to move into a role of greater influence, know that your senior leaders are paying attention. They want to know how well you get on with your peers. Can you resolve conflicts? Are you more curious than judgmental? Do you compromise when appropriate? Are you low drama and high EQ? Are you competitive with the actual competition and collaborative with your company mates? Do you help others succeed? Do you come from a place of abundance or fear? Bottom line, would they be promoting a person who would add to their workload or reduce it?
“Workplaces are communities, built around the relationships we have with our peers. When these relationships are strong, they can be a source of energy, learning, and support. But when they fracture, even just temporarily, they become sources of frustration that harm both people and organizations.”
Don’t stop now! Learn more from a few of our personal favs below:
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